W-E C-A-N

Malaysia is just fascinating.

I don’t know. I don’t know what we are. I don’t know if we want to change.

It’s funny, a country so small, a country full of pride, houses people like us. We, nothing is ever going to be good enough for us.

What is so terribly wrong with switching off the lights for an hour?

Huiyo. Ramai nya yang membantah di Malaysia. Apa guna tutup lampu sejam?

We fucking get it okay. One hour isn’t going to change the world. We are not stupid.

Saya dah berapa tahun tak puasa. Sebab sakit dan tak boleh puasa. Tapi bila orang tanya, saya kata saya malas. Saya kata apa guna beriya puasa 30 hari kalau tak sembahyang, tak tutup aurat? Tengok. Defense mechanism orang-orang Melayu seperti kita ni memang hebat ye. Tiada tandingan. Masuk bab sembahyang pulak. Dah tak puasa tu tak puasa lah.

Kawan saya jawab, kita tak patut fikir macam tu, kita buat yang termampu sahaja lah. Kalau boleh puasa, cuba lah puasa. Kalau boleh sembahyang, mesti sembahyang.

Sama juga bila orang mengutuk perempuan Melayu yang merokok dan minum arak. Yang merokok akan kata, alah yang bertudung lagi teruk, semua video poron di Malaysia dibintangi oleh akak-akak bertudung.

Kesian akak-akak bertudung, tak pasal-pasal masuk cerita. Bukan semua akak-akak berperangai begitu.

Tapi begitu lah kita di Malaysia. Semua benda tak kena. Semua benda tak cukup. Orang tu tak bagus, orang ni poyo. Susah nak gembira, sebab kepala ni asyik fikir macam mana nak defend diri sendiri, macam mana tembak orang tu dan orang ni.

Saya dah lalui semua itu.

Saya gembira di sini. Semua nya penting. Bumi penting. Haiwan penting. Makanan penting. Udara penting. Pendatang haram penting.

Kalau anda mampu, tutup lah lampu. Bukan susah pun. Ada ramai yang sayangkan bumi. Ramai yang kitar semula, makan sustainable food, tak beli kereta, tak mandi. Eh. Sokong lah mereka supaya mereka tahu usaha mereka selama ini tidak sia-sia.

Takpe lah sejam pon. Sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit.

Tahi lah

I am a weirdo, or in Ij’s dictionary – mengada. Quite vitally, we don’t think anyone should ever travel with yours truly.

Budget hotels are my biggest pet peeves. No red, orange, yellow or blue carpet, no flowery comforter, no flowery curtains too, tiles in the bathroom should never have patterns on them. In all instances, the bed has to be firm, with clean white duvet cover, plain coloured curtains, spotless bathroom preferably with slate tiles, and the list goes on.

When a friend asked me for an opinion about this hotel X in country Y that she is visiting soon, I said – Okay je. Not a fan of comforter bunga tho.

Seriously, that was all.

Boy did she get upset and started saying the followings:

1. Peduli apa.
2. Bagi duduk hotel mahal free pon I tanak.
3. Penting ke duduk hotel mahal?
4. Tolong lah. Poyo je.

You know, I’m tired of this. I don’t think people should ask for my opinions on anything.

I did not say that the hotel is a dump. I did not ask that person to withdraw her reservation.

Kenapa ye? Kenapa marah ye? Saya tak kata pon hotel tu hazab. Saya tak pernah halang pon siapa nak beli apa, nak duduk mana, nak makan apa. Bukan kah itu pilihan masing-masing? Saya takde pon jawab begini:

1. Eeeee buruk nya.
2. Cheapooo.
3. Geliiiii.
4. Apsal kau murahan ya amat ni?

Saya penat lah dengan orang negatif. Mereka tanya sesuatu, tapi mereka hanya mahu jawapan yang mereka mahu dengar sahaja. Only what they want to hear. Kalau kita jawap lain, terus sentap 16 tahun.

Setengah orang habis puluhan ribu untuk beli gadget (seperti Ij), setengah orang habis ratusan ribu untuk beli kereta Mercedes (seperti bapa mertuaku), setengah orang habis beribu untuk beli collectibles (seperti lelaki-lelaki yang tataw main bola hiks), setengah orang habis ratus-ratus je untuk hotel yang lebih selesa (seperti saya). Salahhhhhh keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Aku jugak la yang paling poyo. Vavi.

Speaking of vavi, I love Tripadvisor. Why? Because travellers upload real photos of hotels around the world, so other travellers are less likely to get conned by hotel’s own fancy websites. Jadi kita nampak lah carpet tu bersih ke, TV kecik ke besar ke, dan lain-lain lagi lah.

Sekarang ni, masing-masing feeling letak gambar sendiri di celah bedah tempat percutian pulak. Vavi. Orang tanak tengok muka kau lah vongok.

Yang cando takpe. Hiks.

Kesimpulannya, hormati lah pendapat dan pandangan homosapien lain. Jangan lah mengikut jejak ahli-ahli politik Malaysia yang forever bertikam lidah di Parlimen ittew. Tak pon macam Betty Suarez, dia je lah betul. Sedih lah.

Sekian.

Shadapp

I’m disturbed.

I get asked ‘tak boring ke duduk rumah je?’ ever so often.

Seriously. Wtf?

Of course lah boring. Boring gila babi. What else do you want me to say?

Borak kosong

One day, while watching Girls of the Playboy Mansion,

Me : They look like they are very happy with their lives.

Ij : Why do you say so?

Me : Look at them. They laugh, baring, tidur, looking good. They don’t have a lot to think about.

Ij : Kalau takde goals, macam tu lah.

Eh?

How quick we judge.

Me : I beg to differ. How do you know that? Mana tau memang dari kecik diorang punya goal is to be the girlfriend of si tua tu? And I bet it wasn’t easy to get to where they are now.

Ij : (silence). Okay how do you know that they are happy?

Apa lah. I don’t know that. Nobody knows.

I look at Ij and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed with his limited views on women and success. Success is often associated with one’s career, nothing else matters. Success in one’s career might be tied intricately with a person’s level of intelligence. Hence I think, to some people, most blondes are not worthy to be linked to brainpower and superior achievements.

Sad, I know.

What about you, a mother of five, juggling kids and a whiny husband, cooking and cleaning, 365 days a year? What about you, with a husband so blessed with good wealth, that you can afford to not have a job, volunteer and give back? What about you, who wake up every morning striving to be a better person today than you were yesterday?

I am proud of you.

I am proud of happy people.

Tidak lah seperti Meredith Grey, doktor tapi meroyan. Atau Susan Meyer, writer tapi meroyan.

Ij : You ni banyak sangat tengok TV lah.

Hiks.

Lemas

Kawan baik saya terpaksa mengakhiri perhubungan cinta yang telah berputik berkembang bagai selama 5 tahun kerana telah mendapat tentangan hebat daripada ibubapa keluarga lelaki ittew. Macam haram. Mengapakah perkara seperti ini masih berlaku ye?

Si perempuan datang daripada keluarga sederhana sahaja. Manakala si lelaki adalah anak kepada seorang VIP. Adakah perbezaan darjat masih berpengaruh dalam pemilihan anak menantu di zaman moden ini?

Masalah dengan keluarga mertua bukan lah baru bagi saya. Sebelum berkahwin lagi saya telah mengalirkan airmata ribuan kali kerana kata-kata yang terkeluar daripada mulut ibu mertua saya. Hazab uols. Apatah lagi selepas menjadi isteri, serangan yang datang daripada keluarga Ij agak bertubi-tubi dan tak masuk akal langsung.

Kawan saya ini masih tidak boleh menerima kenyataan yang kisah cinta beliau telah tamat walaupun kerana paksaan. Kesian kan. Masih lagi beliau berharap agar perkara ini boleh diubah, diperbaiki. Ye lah tu. Saya telah nasihatkan beliau agar lupakan saja si lelaki ittew. Bukan apa uols, it doesn’t get any better. And then she said, “at least you get to be with the man you love”. Pft. If you really need to work so hard to make your relationship work, it has to be worth your time. To me, fighting other obstacles is acceptable, but fighting MIL? Lagi-lagi yang Melayu. Come on. Buang masa aje uols.

Maka beberapa hari yang lepas, kawan saya ini telah menulis sepucuk surat, nak ditujukan kepada emak si lelaki lah konon nya. NO sayang was my reply to her.

Kenapakah? Kerana saya juga telah menghantar email dan sms kepada mertua saya. Penat je uols nak explain bagai, it ended up being purposely misinterpreted. Menambahkan sakit hati aje. Selepas beribu attempt untuk membaikpulih hubungan agak tak berapa berjaya, saya telah mengambil keputusan untuk ignore sahaja mereka. Walaupun hati terasa bersalah bagai nak rak, jiwa ini terus ketenangan uols. With that, I also learned that they don’t actually care.

Mengapakah?

Ladies, first of all, you should understand that the attacks have nothing to do with you. Seriously, mereka tak peduli pun anda sakit hati ke, bahagia ke, merana ke, makan ke, tak makan ke. Anda mungkin tertanya-tanya, jika tak peduli, kenapa kata macam-macam?

Ha. Pertama. Sindrom Monica Geller. I’m going to love you so much that no one is going to be good enough for you. Begitu lah kata-kata Monica kepada anak lelaki nya Jack Bing.

Saya tak ada anak. Tapi saya faham lah, jika saya ada anak lelaki, saya akan sayang gila babs sampai saikohell. Bila dia ada girlfriend nanti, mula lah rasa serba tak kena. Ye lah kita jaga dia seumur hidup, of course kita rasa dan sentiasa mahu jadi yang terbaik like tiada tolok bandingan nya. Masa ini lah rasa semua orang tak cukup bagus untuk anak kita. Yang bagus kita aje lah, forever and ever.

Jika dia dah beristeri, kita tetap nak jadi lebih baik dari isteri dia kan. Apa saje si isteri dia buat, memang cikai je di mata kita. No competition lah bak kata orang. Jadi wahai kawanku, jikalau anda berkahwin dengan lelaki ittew pun, masalah ini tetap akan ada selama-lamanya. Yang macam ini di panggil sindrom Marie Barone. Yang cenggini memang berani mati uols. Don’t play play.

Yang kedua. All they want is for their sons to be around. All the time if possible. Seriously, they pick on you not because they don’t like you. Mereka tak puashati lah, anak lelaki yang sorang ni jarang balik, jarang telefon. Tetapi oleh kerana perasaan sayang, mereka tak boleh nak marah anak sendiri, jadi nya tempias lah kat si isteri. Kenapa tak marah je anak sendiri, anda kata?

Cenggini, apabila suami/ boyfriend anda ada perempuan lain, anda marah bagai nak rak kan? Kalau boleh nak baling lah asid bagai kat muka perempuan puaka panggilan neraka ittew. Tetapi anda masih terima si suami/ boyfriend kan. Kerana apa? Kerana sayang lah konon. Marah kat lelaki kejap je. Marah kat perempuan lahanat tu sampai ke mati. Mengapakah? Padahal si janz tu yang gatal merenyam, ha baling lah acid kat dia. Perempuan tu entah-entah tataw pun si janz dah kawin ke apa ke.

Nombor 3. Sindrom Raymond Barone. I like to be taken care of. Maybe I want someone like my mother. Ish simpang uols, jangan lah pilih jejanz yang cenggini. Sakit jantung uols.

Kesimpulan nya, saya faham perasaan kawan ku ittew. Kita ingat di zaman moden ini, takde dah la yang narrow-minded, apatah lagi di kalangan keluarga ternama dan berpelajaran. Non ado uols. Nasihat ku kepada wanita-wanita yang dah terlajak kahwin dan forever makan hati dengan mertua masing-masing, IGNORANTES je lah. Yang belum terlajak tu, angkat kaki cabut lah sekarang ye. Tiada yang terbaik daripada ittew. Serious.

Dan tak perlu lah bersusah payah nak mengexplain ke hantar surat ke apa ke. Kita tak buat salah, kenapa nak kena minta maaf? If anyone should explain and apologize, it would be the parents. Explain why you are treating me badly. Explain why you think I’m not good enough for your son.

Kepada jejanz, rajin-rajin la menjenguk emak masing-masing supaya emak anda tidak menyusahkan pasangan anda kelak.

Oh baby baby II

The recent comment on ‘baby’ reminded me of the many stupid things I’ve done when I was young.

Pa and Mee, haha seriously? Macam kesiyal.

Additional evidence of retardation:

1. Naming my our unborn child. Pft.
2. Collecting soft toys from McDonalds. And parading them on my bed. Nice.
3. Wearing a t-shirt with the word ‘Backroom’ on it. In my defense, Backroom was the Studio 54 of KL. Teehee.
4. Meeting guys from the net. But hey, I ended up marrying one.

There must be more, but I can’t seem to recall. Age is catching up you see.

Funny how stupidity helps you get wiser.

On a side note, my MIL still calls FIL ‘Dy’ as in Daddy. Pretty sad you might say haha. But as long as it’s not ‘Bee’ or ‘Baby’, we think we can restrain ourselves from puking.

Babyyyyyy nak kopiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?

Aiyo.

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It’s the 9^th already in Malaysia. Today is a special day for a special friend. She is getting married to a guy who is one of the nicest people I’ve met in my life.

Gambar blur saya ini dipilih dengan sengaja oleh tuan punya blog.

Ja is going to be someone’s wife. I can’t believe it.

When Ja and Chuck first started dating, they used to address each other as ‘Baby’. Haha. And then people (including myself, not a surprise) began to make fun of the namanja (nama manja). True we were assholes. Eventually, Ja and Chuck stopped calling each other that and replacing it with ‘You’. How sweet.

You, you nak kopi?

Ah, much better.

Not everyone can get sarcasm right, particularly when you are defensive by nature. Which is unfortunate because in Malaysia people are being brought up in a sensitive environment; politically, religiously, and unnecessarily. Hence the need to protect oneself from everything and sometimes nothing. Defensive in Malaysia equals to counter-attack/ offend. Non-existence issue like paip bocor in Batu Gajah was treated like the Proposition 8 in the States. Eh, saya tak mahu ditangkap ISA ye.

I heart diplomacy. If you have it, then I heart you too.

Anyway, Ja and Chuck, you guys rock my socks. Chuck especially, is the epitome of modern Melayu. Love it.

Have a great non-stressful wedding guys, because soon after you are going to get stressed every damn day.

And, we’re sorry we made you stop ‘Baby-ing’ each other. Hehe.

Much love.

Antisosial

Ij seringkali mengajak saya berjumpa, berkenalan dan beramah mesra dengan rakan-rakan beliau.

Tapi entah la. Gua tak boleh blah la dengan mereka.

Bukan apa. Ramai di antara mereka adalah jauh lebih senja daripada saya. Sepatut nya, bila usia itu berbeza, pemikiran dan minat mesti ada variasi antara satu sama yang lain. Ini saya lihat, mereka bercakap, ber-obsses tentang benda yang sama seperti saya. Apakah maksud nya? Adakah mereka kertu yang berlagak muda, atau adakah saya muda tetapi berlagak kertu?

Ke manakah hilang nya jurang budaya?

Tak faham maksud saya? Jika yang berusia 24 tahun pakai t-shirt bergambar Joker versi Heath Ledger, kita faham lah. Kalau yang umur 40 tahun pun begitu kaedahnya, apa kes pulak?

Gua takut beb.

Tapi mungkin juga saya silap. Mungkin ada variasi yang bersembunyi. Contoh. Mereka baca buku novel intelektual, saya tengok gambar dalam majalah sahaja. Mereka suka Murakami, saya suka Marimekko.

Apa-apa lah. Gua tak kisah beb.

Going green

We finally got our garden cleared up, thanks to the very nice Mark our garden specialist, who by the way is also a licensed tree surgeon.

So we had four tall huge trees, endless sum of weeds, and rubbish in our garden. We didn’t do anything about it for a while because we were useless and didn’t have any idea where to start. Mark came to clean our front patio a few weeks ago, consequently we asked him to come back for the rear garden.

We decided to chop off all the trees since they’ve been hitting our roof and the neighbour’s as well.

When I was sitting on our little patio, watching Mark vigilantly cutting the branches, guilt started to creep in. I asked myself, what am I doing? What kind of selfish ignorant person am I becoming?

On the subject of refurbishing, we are planning to get rid of the carpet, somehow I don’t feel very good replacing carpet with wooden flooring. Although some are hurting my eyes with their profligate beauty, I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for opting to choose wood, knowing that I’m paying a hefty amount of money to make people kill trees.

Poyo bukan?

I am also bidding farewell to this stunning bed, from Feather & Black. Bring on metal beds!

Er no, I’m not throwing the bed out, it’s an imaginary bed. Our current bed is a total fug.

Poor Ij. It has always been his job to try to find ways to calm me down. Me and my issues, what’s new? He said I shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s the right thing to do. The trees are hazardous, and not only are they affecting us, but others too. And furthermore, those aren’t trees, they are grown adult weeds.

Mengeluh jap.

Well, goodbye trees. I’m truly deeply very very sorry.

Oh baby baby

ba⋅by

–noun

1.	an infant or very young child.

2.	a newborn or very young animal.

3.	the youngest member of a family, group, etc.

4.	an immature or childish person.

5.	a human fetus.

6.

Informal. a. Sometimes Disparaging and Offensive. a girl or woman, esp. an attractive one. b. a person of whom one is deeply fond; sweetheart. c. (sometimes initial capital letter) an affectionate or familiar address (sometimes offensive when used to strangers, casual acquaintances, subordinates, etc., esp. by a male to a female). d. a man or boy; chap; fellow: He’s a tough baby to have to deal with. e. an invention, creation, project, or the like that requires one’s special attention or expertise or of which one is especially proud. f. an object; thing: Is that car there your baby?

–adjective

7.	of or suitable for a baby: baby clothes.

8.	of or like a baby; infantile: baby skin.

9.	small; comparatively little: a baby car.

10.	treating babies: a baby doctor.

–verb (used with object)

11.	to treat like a young child; pamper.

12.	to handle or use with special care; treat gently.

Origin:

1350–1400; ME; see babe, -y ²

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Of all things, why would you call your husband/ wife/ girlfriend(s)/ boyfriend(s) that?

Baby? Seriously?

Babyyyyyyy don’t leaveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Seriously. Yucks.

Kerana Facebook

Kenapa saya suka Facebook? Kerana ianya amat menggelikan hati ku ini. Kenapakah ia menggelikan hati? Kerana karenah manusia adalah pelbagai dan pelbagai itu banyak yang lucu. Erk. Bulls.

Status. Seronok bagi saya untuk ambil tahu apa yang berlaku di celah bedah manusia. Tapi jangan tak tahu, di sebalik status ada seribu satu motif ye. Contoh yang biasa saya nampak ialah (nama2 di bawah ialah rekaan semata) :

Saloma is shopping in the Lion City.

Motif sebenar : Kita shopping ni uols. Uols tanya la kita beli apa. Ha? Lion City tu bukan kat Jalan Pudu lah. Kat Singapore laaaa. Apa kelas shopping kat KL. Hmmmph.

Tu boleh terima lagi lah.

Sarimah is wearing her new Charles & Keith wedges.

Motif sebenar : I love Charles & Keith and I have more than a pair. I’m totally into brands uols.

Apa kes ni? Sedih lah Charles & Keith. Even if you just bought yourself a dozen pair of  Loboutins, do you really have to tell the whole fucking world? Get a life.

Kuswadinata is a proud owner of Rolex Oyster Perpetual Datejust 31mm.

Motif sebenar : I ada Rolex. You ada ke?

Ha gitu. Okay we get it. Kau kaya. Kau kaya. Kau kaya. Kau kaya. Ha suka kan diulang-ulang camtu?

Tu baru yang status. Belum part gambar lagi. Penipuan aje semua. Ada yang muka kertu tapi hilangkan kertu. Ada yang double triple chin tapi ambik gambar dari angle atas di puncak gunung. Ada yang perut berlipat jadi letak gambar paras leher ke atas aje. Kita kurus laaaaaaaa uolsssss. Ada yang suruh delete gambar, ada yang minta di-untag.

I take a lot of pictures. I take pictures of my friends. I think they are all beautiful despite individual flaws. Imperfection makes a subject interesting. What annoys me is when a photo is uploaded onto Facebook, people actually have the nerve to crop it to their own preferences, totally disregarding my feelings as an artist (ehem, sangat). Crop tangan gemuk, perut lapis, ada jugak yang marah sebab kita tak buang jerawat dia dulu kat Photoshop before uploading. W. T. F?

Macam-macam lah. I mean, what were you thinking? Are deceptive images going to make you feel better about yourself? How is it going to help with people’s perception on you?

These people in my list are my friends. I know how they look like in real life you see. Am sure their other friends know that too and still love them regardless.

Who are you kidding? It must be yourself. Your life must be pretty sad.

Get. A. Life.